i found literally half of a double sided dildo in my shower. i guess someone went home happy.
It's a pity Stephen Hawking can't do sarcasm.
she was on her period so I asked if she wanted to make ass babies
You said you didn't deserve to walk so you started crawling down to your room
I just told a kid I was in a wheelchair because Santa shot me due to me being on the naughty list. You should have seen this little bastards face
no dont worry i changed into my costume in the hospital bathroom
I feel like we have both made good decisions regarding our vaginas lately
I got so stoned last night I thought I was in second grade again
She knocked me and my drink to the ground with her ass. I have never been mad at someone for having a glorious booty.
I can't believe you're forcing me to handle this hangover sober
Dude \nSo embarrassed \nJust sent a snap to my boss john and noticed my vibrator was right beside me
I dunno what to tell you sport. Short of having a shock collar on, you're gonna wanna hook up with people.
I am dancing alone in my bathroom because I was paranoid the neighbors were watching through the windows
Why is there a condom in my ukulele?
Here's the "to do" list i just found on my phone: buy stripper pole, make sex playlist, buy febreeze
Randomize
