is it bad that i shorted Freddie Mac immediatly after I heard about the CFO?
He passed out so we kept throwing water on him, he got excited and asked if we were at the wave pool.
Last awkward moment of 2011: your ex gf grinding on me in front of her husband.
And dildos are 35% off. So. Ya know. Savings.
After a roaring rendition of Jay-Z's "99 Problems but a bitch ain't one" I ended up making her cry on her birthday.
Hey by the way did you notice my third nipple in my snapchat
My one regret (beside the inevitable shit storm that followed) is that now I can't fuck his cute friend.
I woke up in your kitchen with my ID in my hand and my nails were painted electric blue. Dude.... never let me have fireball again.
I made a nest in his bed. I'm not leaving
Oh I'm sorry does your girlfriend send you better pictures of things in her ass? No? Didn't think so. Remember that the next time you wanna complain how I don't make the first move enough.
EW HE LOOKS LIKE SOMEONE'S DAD
On today's episode of "What the Shit Did I Do Last Night," drunk me deleted ALL of the text messages I've ever had. Awesome.
I feel like any time there's that much rope, lingerie, and horse masks on the ground, it's safe to say it was a great night
It's difficult when the romantic and the hedonist in me are fighting. I want him to respect me and hopefully pursue an actual relationship, but then I remember he fucks like a GOD and loves my kink. Oh, life's hard.
Do you think Ashley had her twin sister tag in for our date? The sex was different and I think a mole was missing
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