he fingered me, smelled his fingers, then asked me what i ate today..
After I tried for five minutes to hang my beer from the coat hanger in the bathroom , I have realized I am drunk
i've never seen someone fall down the steps so gracefully... i think im in love
Listen, i'm watching playoff hockey and eating waffles. i just don't have time for your drama today.
The panties match.
I'll be right there.
im gonna call it quits for tonight... I am so drunk I dont even have the motor skills to masturbate
Heading to the gym, the one that guy said he goes to. Already checked online, his class is at 5. And no, this isn't too much after meeting him last night. Stop judging me,
He came out in cowboy boots and underpants holding a beer while he hugged my mom. I love Montana.
well, I was going to forgive her anyway but not because shes my best friend and moreso because shes my drug dealer
When I'm famous, she'll look at her kids and go "I saw her buttcheeks beefore she was famous. I'm truly blessed."
I have this terrible fear I might accidentally text a pic of my dick to my grandma
I had to break it to her that she was not in fact behind the bushes when she peed on the church last night
Apparently nick called me at 3 in the morning looking for you because you ate your keys and ran away..do I need to call an ambulance.
i need to stop meeting underage girls and letting them into the bar. i mean yea its a surefire way to get laid without having to tell them I'm 26 but i feel like as a bouncer I'm focusing on all the wrong things
I might be a bit longer... I found a hot guy at the grocery store, so I'm following him and buying stuff that he's buying
Randomize
