ive never been actively dumping during the pledge of allegiance before today...
We had to put his head at the bottom of the driveway so the puke would run down. Now he's sleeping outside.
I hope to God 2011 is the year I stop loving tequila.
Dear sober self: your car keys are in the glove compartment, your car is outside the church. I hope you're reading this from your own bed instead of someone else's.
mom just made me 'sorry-you-have-hpv-pancakes'
The police report said that there were 25 cases of bud light, two hookers fighting in the street, 13 cop cars, and two road blocks, a kid got tazered, another got maced, and over a hundred people in the house
So that means its a bad thing that your dad found it huh?
I told him his only options were from behind or me on top. I was not about to mess up my $80 blow out before graduation.
He just texted me saying "you've got a face that suggests you give really good head". Is this a compliment? Do I say thanks?
I suppose we should both be prepared for the secret service to come visit us after this conversation. Hi NSA.
Are you going to eat tacos off the floor again?
When you get shitfaced you find strippers when I get shitfaced I speak to woodland creatures, do you see the dilema?
Booty called 3 guys from my hospital bed
I think I've done enough damage with my vagina as of late, thank you
Between randomly bursting into tears and the reappearance of my lost sex drive, this break up has left me bizarrely damp.
Watching a guy pay his tab with a check. Jesus dude...
Randomize
