Wow so 15 missed calls, a vm AND a text saying come downstairs? ...And where is downstairs? Explain.
happy early fathers day!!!
im not a father
about that...
first time Ive ever had to stop sex to go pass out in the kitchen floor...
im pretty sure every drug dealer is going to be able to retire the day after alice in wonderland comes out
then my gynecologist said "its like opening up buried treasure"
Please tell me that's his leg and you didn't really just send me a picture of your dog's dick
every single time I see a picture of the two of them on facebook, I want to just call her and scream "your boyfriend said I give the best head on the east coast". But I've been told that would be inappropriate.
my pupils became my eyes and i slept with a cloth in my mouth again
Also, rendered a whole bar silent last night when I told a guy to take off his panties and take a shot out of my cleavage. Video to follow...
there is vomit in the pocket of my dress coat. i remember thinking "this is a weird place to puke" at some point in the evening, but i dont understand how i did this.
I just put vodka in my apple sauce. Spice up your fucking life.
Swiping left on your brother's Tinder account is possibly the worst way to learn he broke up with his girlfriend.
What's your opinion on eating ass? Just looking for a yes or no
So, then you thought it was a good idea to dress up like the Hamburglar, buy a bag full of McDonalds hamburgers, go to Burger King and throw them at everyone while screaming "HAMBURGLAR!". At that point there was no stopping you.
My breath smells like dick and biscuits..
Randomize
