I'm watching tv and he's trying to stick a vibrator in my ass
you sent me the whole alphabet, one letter a text. it took 15 minutes to read them all
wow, so sex, not that great its like masturbating with a warm towelette, like the kind you get at a japanese restaurant
Just so you know, I'm standing in my bra eating cereal. My keys were in the cereal box.
Just warning you now f you do not get intoxicated with me in front of the family on thanksgiving we are not related.
Charles Darwin would shit his pants if he saw that we managed to survive that weekend.
Does it count as working out if stops are taken every half hour to smoke a blunt?
The water at the venue tasted HORRIBLE so I just kept drinking booze. It was like the medievals.
Can you pick up from work today? There's a surprise for you on the bed and I haven't gone blind which is positive.
Hey super random I have you in my phone as "downtown likes to go fishing girl" haha does that sound like you
Totally had a conversation drunk last night with a bisexual chick at my apartment in Spanglish too.
You're a hero.
Leave it to me and my dad to puke on the same guy at the same bar 25 years apart
I have a bandage in my ass crack. In. My. Ass. Crack.
I just quoted part of the Pokemon theme song in a sext... And it worked
My condom drawer is now filled with W-2s and tax return documents. Is this adulting?
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