Do you think Conan would leave his wife for me?
Thanks for stranding me with th douchebag award recipients
I got to work, greeted my staff, then went into the bathroom to throw up. Who hired me to run a business???
she chased the tour bus screaming I BET YOUR DICK IS THE SIZE OF YOUR MICROPHONE STAND. i think its safe to say were never getting vip passes again.
She's grinding on a deaf black man and I'm the interpreter.
I don't think my prof knows we've noticed her No Bra Fridays.
Apparently I covered myself in sunscreen before I went to bed. Im just assuming that due to the fact I found an empty bottle of sunblock
The kid in the park, who was on a leash I might add, looked at us and yelled "stranger danger" before hiding behind his dad
He fucked me so hard I might have to go to the hospital for internal bleeding
Can I have him when you're done?
Please please please buy brown eye liner on your way home in the morning... I'm missing an eyebrow
No, we will not be going out tonight. We are trying to grow the toy donkey in whiskey rather than water. Serious fucking science. Have fun at the boring bar while we Bill Nye it up in this bitch.
Looks like I've become the Walter White of my PhD cohort.
It was at the same house, but a different party, when lesbians set me on fire. So there's that.
Every time I burp I plan an escape route because I'm scared I'm gonna puke on grandma
He just got home after serving 5 years in prison. And I think I may courtesy fuck him. Best Christmas present ever.
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