I'm going to get drunk on champagne by myself.
Oh no wait my cat's here. Thank god for a second there I sounded really sad.
question: from what angle do you give a hand job. im confused..
Following a car with a GPS. We don't know where he's going, but he probably has a better idea of where we're going than we do. Also, very high.
I'll give her a pass for the first one, but after the second threesome, she should have learned her lesson.
I just tried to sell my homemade "lightning bolt stencil for pubes" on Etsy.
He said my labia gave my vagina a "cute personality"
A drank guy in the ER just sang Trouble to me and when he sang 'Lying on the cold hard ground' he threw himself onto the ground and landed on the wrist he'd just broken. Thirsty Thursday is weird already and it's not even 5.
She's legally too young to drink and was making out with a guy who is ethically too old to drink.
Dude, I came home and you were passed out halfway through the front door in your Minnie Mouse outfit... with a beer still in hand
someday i'll meet a woman who will love me for my marvelous breasts and ignore my many character faults.
I am at a point in my life where I don't want to brush my teeth for my tinder date because toothpaste and martinis don't mix.
Are you ok?!
I assume I've stopped bleeding because I haven't passed out, but can't verify currently.
We woke up today with 24 donuts, a tie, two jugs of vodka that we traded an extra sandwich for, and a british boy
What happened last night? All I know is that I walked into class this morning and everyone was chanting my name.
i woke up fully clothed with teenage dream on repeat. something is wrong with me
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