I like how you formally end text interactions, just turn your phone off or don't respond you pervert
I kept waking up & seeing my Goodfellas poster and thinking it was a window with people crammed against it staring at me.
I guess the lighting in my room made it look like they were moving. I remember telling myself that they were watching over me and protecting me from the cops
you lied. pity sex is amazing.
Dignity is for republicans.
I suppose drinking a cosmo at lunch alone can't look good but I mean... sometimes it's just necessary
She just came to my house, with puke in her hair, to wake up my dad and scream "happy fathers day you DILF!" at the top of her lungs
And I can taste the vodka through my ears. Good god.
I need to do something profound in the next three and a half years so that when my kids ask what I did in my twenties I have something to say other than "made bad decisions"
Just did a drug deal on the toy aisle at walmart, Merry Christmas
He walked into the pizza shop... Pulled the fire alarm.. And proceeded to dance to it...
Consider yourself lucky. If I ever run into my ex, all I'll be able to think is, "I let you pee on me and lead me around on a leash."
What the hell did you do last night?
I embarrassed myself, my family, name, and possibly my country.
It was probably bad to sleep with someone just to pet his dog right?
You know why I love being a regular at this bar? It's because at a certain point last call is only a suggestion.
I woke up with a pillow, shampoo and a plant in my fridge. Eggs in the toilet, and I was wearing three pairs of girls underwear. What happened last night
Randomize
