My life is like the prequel to "40 Year Old Virgin"
Disregard any previous text from the past 12 hours. Except for the one about scoring a strike while drunk bowling. Remember that one.
He didn't speak any English, but I think I caught the word turtle in there somewhere.
Why would he say turtle mid-fuck?
I just wanted to let you know I just licked gravy off of my boobs. Just putting that out there.
Im sweating champagne and woke up in nothing but a tuxedo jacket. What didnt go wrong last night?
looking back it was a good thing we were too wasted to fire up the chainsaw
My prof gave me extra credit for drawing a ninja on my paper and writing "ninja will up my grade"
Scary. I thought trees were a lie and that someone ha permanently stenciled them into my life. No joke.
She found my wedding ring, sallowed it and wished me good luck explaining it to my wife before walking out. Now what?
Just got a nosebleed, my period and the runs all at the same time. I'm either dying, or this is the first sign of the apocalypse. You warning you in case it's the latter.
I do remember telling her that I was about to pass out soon and then hiding my pants under my bed so she couldn't take my wallet even drunk I'm thinking ahead
She said, I've heard about you, from girls you wouldn't even be interested in. What?
Note to self; if you can light it on fire, you probs shouldn't drink it
I have a black eye again and dont know why again
Day one of being single and I've came three times. I can get used to this.
Randomize
