you thought that fire hydrant was a midget...you gave it a hug and asked for a lollipop.
what do kids with lesbian moms do for father's day? like do you talk about it? is it awkward? do you get the butchy mom a card?
Apparently I called 911 everytime Sean Kingston told me to
that's why i date skinny girls, they don't realize how small it is.
for future reference mormans are hard to crack but they give fucking amazing hand jobs.
I'm going to make an art book filled with pics of me peeing in every bar bathroom I've ever been in. Dedicating it to you. You're welcome.
Apparently, Mom was less-than-happy about us shotgunning beers before we opened presents.
Relationships are fuckin' work. And you can't just up and leave with no questions when you really just need to get home because you're about to shit your pants.
You're so wise.
Hey start looking around for a low rider Subaru. Well get a loan. It will be capital for our first music video.
Although I'm glad you didn't let my climb in the sink, I really wish you would have let me pretend to be a duck in the shower for a little longer
If anyone remembers any details of tonight please address concerns to my lawyer. This is a mass text.
But for real though. That weed tastes like the jolly laughter of Santa Claus.
Dude, who WASN'T thinking of motorboating her?
He was gone for 5 minutes, opened the car door and said, "Don't eat my shit." and dropped Chipotle on the passenger seat. He was gone for another 10 minutes and came back with Coldstone. That stoned.
Sorry I threw up all over your Lyft.
It's ok I woke up next to a dumpster.
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