take 3 tylenol pm's and try playing basketball.
Bt dubs, I still have cuts on my arm from when you attacked me with a dildo on Saturday night.
It's a shame that I don't know his last name. Actually, it's an ever bigger shame that I don't know his first name
Just so you're aware, tomorrow is "Slow Clap when you see Mike" day.
We still going to Happy Hour
Idk. I can't because it doesn't fit in my schedule of sleeping or throwing up
When the question of, do you know who's ass has been on the cake you are eating is said... Good or bad party?
Saved a life and got us a free vacuum cleaner (and learned vacuum is not spelled "vacumn"). Get on my level.
Guess who figured out you can fit an entire bottle of champagne in a big Subway cup. Open container laws my ass.
He crawled outside into the bushes to throw up. He's just laying there now but he says he'll be ready to come home if we just give him five
After her AA meeting, she was on the phone with her mom, and when she said, "they're making me start over with Step 1," I quietly sang, "cut a hole in the box".
He left his boxers here. Can I keep them and make a shrine or would that be creepy?
I just came so hard I growled. Definitely found my gspot.
currently googling "apology gifts for when you poop on their floor"
She had a baby Jesus butt plug
So then I got so stoned I sat and took my pulse for 10 minutes.
Randomize
