A female Wisconsin fan just headbutted the bouncer. Im deeply terrified and oddly aroused at the same time.
The google font looked peculiar last night, but then up close I realized it was just dry vomit.
Thanks for having 911 ready when I jumped off the balcony
After some trial and error I found soaking my balls in maple syurip helps ease the pain.
Oh my god, I totally forgot we call your penis "Godzilla's Tail".
Drinking Patron always ends with me puking or receiving anal. So make your move when I start ordering it.
He offered to take my unemployed self out for drinks, but I really just want him to buy me the Beyoncé album
I wonder what dick looks like without astigmatism?
I baked a frozen pizza completely, put it back in the plastic and box, and put it back in the freezer. THAT drunk.
Can you please venmo me emergency money? i have no pants.
She acted like falling "up" the stairs was a fucking physics phenomenon. I call that Tuesday nights.
Nothing like ripping open the box with your keys on a sat R train and throwing back the morning after pill with some coconut water on my way to work at a fitness studio for free
Its really hard to take a shit when the dog wont stop trying to crawl into your lap
So random question: what's a good way to tell your brother that his Skype sex kept you awake last night? I'm not really sure how that conversation begins.
It goes to show, Sane person, daddy doms, little girls, all of us may seem different but deep inside we all grow wisdom teeth
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