btw ... thanks for not giving me up as the craigslist killer
i owe you one
thanks for snagging those panties for me
she was stuffing dove chocolates in my mouth while giving me a blow job. GOD I LOVE VALENTINES DAY
Ive given up on my natural charms. Im trying different accents till some girl wants to hook up with me.
Your "OraGel will numb anything" theory was the worst thing I ever believed in.
Overall win. We all know who got to sleep on the concrete outside of Denny's with you.
Solid teamwork gives us a good shout of both bringing home trophy cougs
Sorry I didn't answer your call last night, I was peeing on the driveway.
still not dressed at 5:00, jacking off watching men's figure skating and hoping my weird roommate doesn't walk in. anybody who says idk how to have fun is wrong
Serious question: does drunken cyber sex with a stranger on omegle count as cheating???
he started frosting cupcakes and licking the mini-spatula realllllly deliberately and i don't know if i'm more attracted to him or the cupcakes
Remember when you tried to talk but you could only count by 2s?
He told me that he's proud of our abnormalcy as a couple. I think it's the most romantic thing he's ever said.
So I stole cocaine from one of my Tinder hookups
And that is the most millennial sentence I've ever said
This is why I should’ve just stuck with blow jobs. I’m good at blow jobs. Blow jobs never fail me.
My mom is dancing slutty on the bar I need more drinks to be ok with this
Randomize
