Haha na a cat just ran under your car. Howd that happen?
Probably a woman cat. Doesnt think things through
my brain is sober enough to have a conversation.. but my arms feel nice
Flying into Chicago for a few days, getting re-deployed in September, we should probably fuck
Kristina got the same text from you just now, she's sitting next to me, how many people did you send this to?
so last night after we hooked up i got my period and woke up this morning with a blood stain on his bed and not only was it huge but i had put my jeans back on before bed so i took the walk of shame with period stained pants
My Mom bought me a vibrating toothbrush. Maybe this is her way of apologizing for throwing away my other thing that vibrated.
there are two kinds of girls in this world: my mom, and sluts.
I'm just going to say , cocktail races are not for a Wednesday night maybe not even a Friday type of deal
At second job interview this week. Wearing pants to hide pole dancing bruises. This my life.
It was right before we played jenga with champagne glasses for a good half hour
So do you want to hear how I got the hickey first, or how I got the black eye?
he's dressing as a chick for halloween. of course i'm gonna make him get his legs professionally waxed. how is this even a question?
Snaps to my Ella Fitzgerald station for such a jazzy walk of shame
She's like the sister I never had that I want to bang.
part of it says your brother mayyyy have put his lips on my vagina
I am playing in the snow in my bunny outfit. GET OVER HERE
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