dude i dnt kno how, but i think theres a tampon in my butt
don't tell her this, but while we were doing it doggy style I picked up my phone and changed my status to "who let the dogs out"
so i woke up this morning covered in mail. none of it is mine.
I'm going to show my kids 2 girls 1 cup just to scare them away from porn
Snuck into a camper in someone's yard. Hotboxing. Can't wait until they go in it.
i had them turn on teen mom at the bar so i wouldnt be tempted to go home and make babies with the guy next to me
My meds have diminished my sex drive, this must be what regular women feel like
There was probably a tattoo above her soulless vagina that read 'it's a trap!' Yet you ignored it
yeah the cable guy is coming and everybody is hiding all the pieces in the house. we are up to thirty two. like a fun game of smokable scavener hunt.
I'm about to start putting my tampons in the microwave for a few seconds these plastics applicators and this weather don't mix
We are going to the humane society and getting you microchipped so you don't get lost on your birthday. Either that or your getting a child leash
Woke up eating a pickle on the bathroom floor this morning in some random guys sweat pants.
Why did I wake up in bed with the ironing board and a Mariah Carey mask? Vodka hates me
It's Reggie from Taco Bell, send me a pic.
You were drunkenly dancing with a statue you affectionately referred to as "The Captain." I wasn't going to deny your happiness.
Randomize
