I told him I'm not paying rent anymore because he's seen my boobs.
Good thing it was his birthday because I accidentally grabbed his dick at the bar. A lot.
He leaned over in the middle of the movie and said "My dick's name is Juan". WHO DOES THAT?
he sent me a pic of his dick and balls out with sunglasses over them like a face. i was at dinner.
do you still have it? i kinda want to see.
It was drunk tag. I was Alice in wonderland chasing a ballerina who was chasing Lance Armstrong who had needles in his arms.
You chucked an empty vodka bottle against the wall and yelled "Everyone calm the fuck down, it's just the cops." After 10 seconds of silence I looked over and saw you pissing their fountain.
I love you, but it's "shark week" I'll make it up to you with naked breakfast.
He knocked me in the face with the phone during my light show. Didn't even feel it. Ecstasy is amazing
Walk of shaming into my apartment. No one to clap me in. Come home!
It's a good thing you're straight. You'd make a horrible lesbian.
I'm sexting with a 20 year old that has a foot fetish... This is what Sailor Jerry drives me to do.
We watched Purple Rain and then proceeded to have sex while listening to the album. If that's not exactly how Prince would want people to honor him, I don't know what is
Got my period and a UTI on the same day. Fuck you, Sunday.
But really, what kind of hoe life adventure in Mexico would you do that would top me blowing a trucker?
I think it stinks she’s cheating on him. My vagina on the other hand is tingly thinking about a summer of sexual healing
Randomize
