I GPSed you we're an hour and 14min away from each other
and it's going to stay that way
Found my sandals in your freezer this morning, THANKS
is it mean to send ur x his condoms back because they are too small for ur new boyfriend?
$22.99 left in the bank til payday = 3($7 jack & coke) + 2($0.89 T-Bell taco) + $0.21 in case of emergency.
math is fun
Coming home soaking wet at three am and trying to convince the front desk man that we came from the library might have worked if I wasn't also roaring at everything.
Exactly, finding that perfect flask to come with you on all your adventures is like finding the perfect wedding dress. You have to feel it.
She gave us all a pep talk at the bus stop at 1 AM. It involved cupcakes and somehow ended with her making out with her best friend. God bless college.
Why can't people give useful wedding gifts...like sex swings or Nutella?
This is the I'm sorry text for running around yelling don't shit on my rainbow, end up in the fetal position crying at 4 am in my car because someone shit on my rainbow
You guys wanna start around 10:30 tomorrow?
We can start at 5am for all I care. You ask like I have plans.
I've got enough liquor to do one of two things on Friday: 1.) Drink myself into a coma or 2.) lay in bed a drunk and cry lonely mess. Happy Valentines Day.
He may be 6' 6" but I'm 180 lbs of pure rage and determination
Pretty sure my boss knows there's Jack smell coming out of my pores right now... He just gave me a look...
Julius Caesar had a huge penis
WTF are you reading?
Ha ha! No, the guy in the Caesar costume last night. We hooked up. His dick was huge
There is a sex dungeon behind the wine cellar. This is why I hate showing foreclosures.
Randomize