i hope your v-card owns a pair of floaties
I have a feeling we are going to become cougars together.
apparently, it's not a good idea to make jokes about sending newborns through airport security xrays. the moms dont see the humor.
But why'd she put it on the conveyor then?
I took an adderall but just ended up meticulously arranging my farmville for hours
i hooked up with a boy reading dear john, i have to get points for that somewhere
no he gets major points for having a girl hookup with him after reading dear john
I think he liked me better when I only opened my mouth to suck his dick.
I got kicked out of an open bar wedding reception. The bride "felt threatened" by my presence. Not my fault she's ugly
Sorry about the voicemail last night, people in hostel thought getting the clap from cheating on me wasn't enough and you hearing a 6 foot 5 Swedish dude bang the shit out of me was needed.
They get 5 minutes to wear their speedos at the wedding
Oh my god I'll have to be really drunk for that
I think i just fucked the same guy a second time without realizing it....does that make me a good whore or a bad whore???
I hear the sound of that stray bird you rescued from the kitchen but am too busy drunkenly masturbating to feed it
I'm drunk from drinking bourbon out of a "cupcake sippy cup" at the Denny's bar. What the fuck happened to the goals I had?
He wants to make me arch my back "like I'm having an exorcism". Not sure if I'm turned on or freaked out.
Can't feel body but making pizza rolls
CALL ME OLD FASHIONED BUT PEE IS FOR TOILETS
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