Hey I have to teach you how to run in heels before vegas
he came on my stomach and it was 1000 degrees in his car. i smelled awesome.
The worst thing about it is now I have to find someone else to fuck in the library.
While the bouncer was checking my purse, he found a bag of pasta noodles in it and asked me why I put them in my purse. I said to him: "So the guy knows I can cook."
Just smoked a joint with the hottest patient. God I love night shifts.
Wait.....I ate a raw potato lastnight.
You slapped the bar and yelled "daddys thirsty!" at the lady behind the bar
To be fair I was thirsty
When she told you not to yell you looked directly at me and screamed "Man, she sucks!"
he came during what was supposed to be the foreplay blowjob. there goes my evening.
When you wake up with a bow tie and mustache drawn on your penis, you know you had a good night.
You peed in my kitchen, while crying and insisting my floor was a toilet.
He was telling me how he was trying to grow up. And then 2 minutes later, he told me he was tripping on lsd for the first time.
I woke up with "To whom it may concern" sharpied on my dick
My boss asked me to pass over one of my business cards and instead I had condoms fall out of my wallet, how’s your day going??
got some info she was last seen with some guy wearing goggles
I’m drunk and naked and looking for my charger - title of my autobiography.
Randomize
