we were fucking and all I could think about is how my silly bands were glowing in the dark.
I didn't think moms care packages could get better than greygoose, weed & double stuffed oreos, but she just snet me a chocolate bar full of mushrooms.
Made a salesman quit his job, a saleswoman cry, and got a manager to half shout "fuck this"....successful drunk Christmas shopping
That dude you fucked three years ago just won Jeopardy
Just checked my phone. Sometime last night I googled sex positions in a tent. Was there even a tent there?
He was pretty wasted I guess, but the crippled guy threw the first punch it was awesome
If the boyfriend of the drunk girl you just met asks her if she made a "special friend" you're going to have a threesome. For future reference.
she's sniffed three people's necks on the bus to see who the good smell was coming from...
she's gonna get diseases
for the record, you never really realize how drunk you still are until you get on rollerskates...
Anddon't worry about me I have my Darth Vader flashlight
I need to be her Aladdin, and show her the world. The sex world.
Did you happen to find my bra? I'm pretty sure I still had it on before we left that bar
Just because your drunk doesn't mean you can stick your dick in the snow. Just a FYI
can we not speak foreign languages when I'm on drugs
i asked your drunk ass where the fuck you were going and you screamed “WENDY’S BITCH”.
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