i need a new camera phone. my pictures from last night are as blurry as my memories. and neither tell me why i woke up in an airplane hangar.
i know we're in college but you cant booty call me at 3 in the afternoon. i dont care how drunk you are.
legit been throwing up since 7am. told my parents the two bowls of puke in my dorm were soup
We couldn't even have sex we were both laughing so hard. I don't know how I feel about the quality of that weed.
Maybe if i steal enough bar glasses i can justify all the money spent i've spent there
You owe me $8 for the carwash I needed after you threw the salmon on my windshield.
My chest hair is, as we speak, arching upward to embrace my neck beard. The union will be a storied one.
Well despite the fact that I'm still not entirely sure this isn't an elaborate/cunning plan to kill me, I'm in.
She tried to gratify me left handed. Let's just say I've been placed on the 15 day DL.
If Boring and Monotone had a love child, it would be this guy.
I asked for a cup of water. They gave me tequila. They WANT ME TO DIE
All my female reproductive organs were screaming HELL YES last night.
I peed in front of kids, unfortunately
You should have just fucked me in the bathroom when you had a chance!
If I hear the phrase 'these unprecedented times' one more time I'm putting my foot up someone's ass.
Randomize
