so i was supposed to be to work at 8..but its 9:15 and im currently standing stoned in the middle of holiday...with a bag with three doughnuts, two redbulls, and a slim jim..
god i miss watching you do this...
Im watching hello kitty on qvc debating if its a good idea to cook bagel bites on my space heater
In the middle of pouring my wine you asked me if I could hear your vibrator from my room.
I fed him jelly beans while he fingered me. Win, win situation.
So there I was praying he didn't go limp again, choking on a long, long gray ball hair. This is my Saturday night. This. Is. My. Life.
Yeah bro I don't know how she's gonna explain the black eye, how else do you tell your boss "my knee hit me in the face during sex last night"
Because at some point last night we decided that shotgunning beers from a paint stick was a good idea
When they send me to rehab, I'm screaming your name down the halls.
Things my liver can't take in one weekend. Surprise nights off at work and male strippers. Woke up jaundiced.
When he wakes up tomorrow with half shaved legs smelling like a preteens bathroom, I'm sure he will think he has had a great evening
As planned I took it to the limit. Then we met a new limit. Now they are limit friends.
He could only go see Deadpool without his girl if he was black-out drunk... because spoilers. They're the perfect couple.
I'm having shoppers remorse over a dildo
Reading becomes significantly more difficult when people are having crazy loud sex in an adjoining room
If he brings home bacon, dont let him leave. Dont screw this one up. this may be our last chance.
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