sometimes i wish i could find another girl that loves my dick as much as she does
i feel like she has dreams of it being like a person saying hey lets go play
hows that letter of apology to the waitress at waffle house coming?
gonna sleep on the stairs... to drunk to keep going up, way to drunk to go down, gonna find a comfy spot right here... its safer that way
My boobs grew. They knew we were going to vegas.
security doesn't like it when we pee on cars. or maybe just not theirs?
i just masturbated in footie pajamas. there's no judgement here.
Yeah but I get laid and I know. He drank toilet water last night and he doesn't know about that either. Still makes me happy though.
Most men with as many freckles as you aren't vagina magnets. You are an exception to your kind.
If those antibiotics mean you can't drink, ya might as well pack your bags and re-enroll next fall, because sobriety this week would be social suicide.
He drank his beer out of his own shoe. Its his "party trick"
I just realized why I have little cuts all over my fingers. There was a broken pint glass in my purse last night.
On the plus side, I know I'm allergic to latex now. Like really fucking allergic
Just an fyi, you also tried to wrangle a peacock last night.
So I had this brilliant idea that I would sleep in all sorts of sweatpants and sweatshirts... Apparently I thought I could "sweat" off the drunk in my sleep and that it would make me feel better when I woke up
Side note: I apologize for sex being the subject of every single one of my texts. That's what happens when you date an older man who constantly denies you sex on the basis of his ridiculous morals.
Randomize
