I had to go to the front counter of the restaurant and ask for the key because I was "pretty sure my friend is passed out in the bathroom right now"
I couldn't walk, so he carried me all the way home; and then I told him that I wasn't drunk enough to fuck him. Poor kid.
I have located the smell of the stripper and narrowed it down to 3 girls in class
Tidal wave of highness just hit. Find shelter and catnip. gloves. zebra striped car washes.
Hne relally is a cite oerfect gome. Nes awddddddddooooome.
Maybe shotgunning 4 days after oral surgery wasn't such a good idea after all...
The only funny part about this situation was this morning when they rounded up all the drunks in the ER, piled us into a minivan, then dropped us all off at our houses.
Wait..I think something else did happen last night my vagina is too pleased for this level of hangover..
The security guard popped his head over the mens room door and goes "nice tits- now get out." Deer in headlights moment right there.
I feel like if anyone knew what an affection erection looked like it would be you
Usually I just ask myself "have I been naked here?" If the answer is no I correct the situation.
In fairness you've introduced me to a lot of people I've only met once, for like 5 seconds, while drunk
Adderal can only make me focus so much. Your ass is stronger than my medicine. Congratulations.
I woke up to rachel asking "did anyone else fall out of a tree last night?"
How do you confess that you've had phone sex with your fiancé's brother's ex-girlfriend's new guy she's dating who has also slept with your best friend?
Randomize
