I just bought Christian paraphenilia at Borders for my dad's bday. I had the urge to tell them it wasn't mine, like I was buying laxatives or a dildo
Hahahaha. You probably would have been more comfortable buying either of those than what you just bought
just used a blowie as payment for him having to take the dog out to let her poop.
I will also inform you that stairs change when you change a house. Those hurt.
You know whats sad? As I walk past the campus daycare i cant help think, look at those drunk mistakes
Dude, smoked out of a pumpkin tonight. I like Halloween more now
nothing like baby laughter to ruin a masturbation moment
we had a ceremony where you passed your fake id onto me in the middle of the bar. i was on my knees and you presented it to me. i don't think the bartenders were suspicious though
Theres either a bag of coke in my pocket or a bag of anthrax, either way last night got way to serious
He just subscribed to one of my Spotify playlists. The next step is sex.
okcupid is pretty much insisting i hook up with this chick who looks like andy milonakis.
With a stable of 7 fuck buddies, I literally use a random number generator to determine the order in which I will booty call them on my way home from work. I have not slept in my own bed in a month. I just keep half my clothes hanging in my car or in a suitcase.
She proceeded to flip everyone off then open a Heineken with her teeth.
He brought me Plan B in the snowstorm.
A+ 👏🏼
Where'd you go?
Laundry, im. A responsible drunk
I just walked in on her masturbating to a social anxiety video...
Randomize
