What started out as a threesome has become me sitting here watching them have sex... Can I get a ride home?
the recession has oofficially hit my standards.
We walked into the bar in The Flying V formation from The Mighty Ducks. We were ready.
Considering he believes im part of the 2016 us curling team id say hes pretty drunk
I call it my summer of slut; except summer lasts from May until December. It's been incredibly successful
My halloween constume SCREAMS "Hey i just got done with a shitty relationship and I'm DTF"
Um yeah. I just puked. And found your contact.
New wedding record, my shirt was off by 8pm!!!
She apologized again the next day. I said it was pee under the bridge
Since I won't be making love with anyone on a bed of roses this year on Sunday I bought a Mustang to fill the gap
CURRENTLY PLAYING FLIP CUP WITH A WORLD SERIES CHAMPION
We were on the beach when you spilled sand in the bottle and said "relax it's vodka, it'll disinfect itself"
I mean I made my therapist laugh so hard she cried....so yes, my life is literally a joke to everyone
ETA 20 minutes and if you greet me at the door with a gin & tonic I’ll give you head.
God damn you Coronavirus! I'm jonesing I got the itch. I would fully satisfy a horse for some Taco Bell or Perkins. God help me I'm going insane but I definitely don't want to get sick.
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