I hope to God 2011 is the year I stop loving tequila.
I keep telling myself last night was not real, not real, not real. Then I remember I can't move. This hangover is too fucking real.
I thought turtle was a code word for weed until he pulled out a baby turtle from his pocket and said "$20 for a turtle"
Sent him a picture of my pregnant boobs from last year, think he'll notice the difference?
we left the music on while we were fucking. some kanye west song started playing and he started to cry
I need to think of the best way to tell this boy he's not getting his pants back
may or may not have figured out a way to make my mom a drug mule to bring me ecstasy...
You screamed "There's a potato in my anus" and proceeded to attempt to grind with the bouncer. Also, I'm pretty sure our Chem teacher was in the same bar as us.
My phone autocorrects "pooping" to "popping" and I'm like DO YOU EVEN KNOW ME??!
Like I cant decide if he's like autistic or something or just seriously cock blocks himself on purpose with this shit
This strange Italian man told me he wants to take me for ice cream and kept calling me "tomato" from tinder
and i thought it was paint or jizz but it was cheese
please tell me you didnt taste test that
Oh yeah, it was definitely the best sex of my life, I just don't think I can fix the kitchen table before my parents get back...
I get so sad when I watch him slowly destroy his life with whiskey and cocaine. Then he bites my neck and I just want to fuck him. I can't help it.
I drunkenly said, "That's my future father-in-law!" And everyone made an uncomfortable / disgusted face... including the aforementioined future father-in-law. Maybe I should start dating other people.
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