We were making out in the bushes when some dude comes and starts peeing beside us.
cell reception changed and I can no longer text you from the toilet... that means I'll be texting you less often, just fyi
He told me the hand job I gave him this morning was "lovely".
you realize that if you hadn't mouthed "we're getting laid tonight", i wouldn't have woken up with your ex this morning. just sayin
I'm okay.. I had a good heart to heart with the cab driver Raheem - it's going to be our year.
She just came to my house, with puke in her hair, to wake up my dad and scream "happy fathers day you DILF!" at the top of her lungs
Come back. She's looking through naked pics of his exes on his phone and questioning him about them and I'm too drunk to walk away.
you asked my brother if you could eat the cupcake that you found. you were showing him a baked potato
I told him if he went to see magic mike with me I'd cover his eyes during the penis parts
People around me are just doing lines of cocaine. Like its no big deal. And I'm just here like.... Y'all want some cheezits?
On her way to bed she said, "If you have sex on the couch, just move my blanket" Needles to say, we moved the blanket
She's the perfect storm of great hair, big boobs, intellectualism, and mild moral ambiguity.
Amanda, I can 99.9% assure you i'm probably never going to bang your mom
I DON'T LIKE THAT SENTENCE
I mean I know I'll get over it by like tonight but ew ew eww. I cannot. Dude I don't even know his name also I threw up on his penis
Okay, since we're going to be living together and I'm obviously better than you at everything, I have one single simple rule that I want you to follow: DO. NOT. FUCK WITH ME.
Randomize
