just got pizza delivered to the hot tub. its easier than i thought to be this lazy
you scanned your fake to get into the dorm last night and when the lady told you it was the wrong card you looked at her and said this is who i am thursday night
She had a maple leaf tattoo behind her ear and told me she liked my "playoff beard".
Only in Canada would your laziness be applied to hockey and rewarded.
I'm too drunk to be surrounded by this many indians
How do you manage to be drunk and a racial minority so often?
Oh, and that ugly chick transformed into a veritable goddess when she came back at 3AM with a handle of vodka and 100 chicken wings
You working tonight?
Keg. Hottub. Wearimnh a 8th graders bikini. Mess
We were thinking he might be gay. Like how the fuck do you not even make out with a girl that made you a grilled cheese
Had "I should be in prison or dead" storytime at the bar. Found out James has done blow off a dead guy. Overwhelmed and speechless.
The word cocktail makes me want to rip my liver out and nail it to a cross.
So I just sneezed blood everywhere. On the upside. After yesterday I feel way more confident AND I give even less of a fuck.
As much as I enjoyed playing drunk half naked twister and talking about my daddy issues last time, I'll have to pass.
You can't Tinder AND have him bring you icecream in the same night. It messes with your vagina.
On a scale from 1 to banned, how offensive do you think it would be to wish my vibrator happy Valentine's Day on various social media outlets?
It was get out of line and go pee and get no beef briskit. Or stay in line, pee my pants, but have beef briskit. I really wanted my beef briskit
Unexpected pussy is the best kind. Never expected to get any from a stranger at my little brother's bar mitzvah.
Mazeltov!
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