can you come get me at the bar
ill be there in 10 min
can we stop off at build a bear on the way home
twelve hours since my last beer and i just blew a .08, time to go to the library
you started crying because you didn't get to wear your rainboots this week so i turned on the shower and let you jump around in it
youre the best friend ever
sweet and enthusiastic is code for tiny dick.
It's very clear that i'm the girl sweating out four lokos at 2 in the afternoon at the gym
I AM HAVING A WEIRD OUT OF BODY EXPERIENCE. IN CAPS LOCK.
You can drink as much as you want but it's not gunna make her forehead any smaller
I was hoping it might at least fix her teeth
I feel like passing out with my foot on your face has bonded us at a very fundamental level.
I rang in the new year by giving a lap dance to a Lutheran minister in a roomful of people including his wife. Jesus would be proud.
I may not be his cup of tea, but I bet I'm his 10th shot of tequila
Tell him "come over but don't bring a flaccid dick"
Wear something tight
Apparently HR frowns upon current employees introducing themselves to the new employee as "Hi I'm sleeping with your cousin"
Do you find Darth Vader masks attractive?
He unofficially told me he deleted his tinder because of me. I think that’s a pretty romantic gesture in 2018
i'm bringing homemade birthday cake and homegrown weed. how awesome is this text?
Randomize
