I think i peed on brittanys purse
i threw up in his kitchen sink and then used a measuring cup to drink water because i couldn't find a clean glass. i just threw up down the stairs. it's gonna be a long walk home.
I just told this girl who bought a pregnancy test "good luck"
last thing I heard her say before I passed out was 'this is great. I never get to be the big spoon.'
I just jerked off and used a stopwatch to track my results. Pretty depressing on multiple fronts.
Rather than admit to myself he's hooking up with her right now, I choose to believe that he's not responding because he's masturbating to my picture, distraught over his poor choice, and trying to forget about the one that got away with a heavy dose of meth.
High school girls are buying me shots. This will not end well.
When someone comes out of your vagina and stomps on your dreams, you'll understand.
I took a yellow and pink pill, all of a sudden my sex drive is back, and for some reason all I wanna do is fuck Amish dudes
Good God, I miss doing unknown drugs with you.
My mom is selling her car. I'm secretly relieved I won't ever have to tell her about that time you puked in it
The Wolf of Wall Street “I ain’t fuckin’ leaving!” speech when the cops broke up your party though...
Plus he is a pilot so I could give him flight dome
I got a hand job after work. Remember those? From the 90s...
I've faked every orgasm I've ever had, I think I can fake being sick for 8 hours.
Did you get drunk between now and two texts ago?
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