I wish they made helmets for livers.
Nothing says I have a hang over like telling your boss to "eat your shit"
It honestly wasnt my fault this time. i was in shock. WHO THE FUCK OWNS A PEACOCK?!
The bartender just told me he would have me face down in his pillow by the end of the night. I hate when you make me go to gay clubs.
he thinks the dog can do a keg stand. i will let you know how it turns out
Left my card at the bar and had a drunk girl climb on the hood of my running car to scream at me.
Of course drinkings involved. They don't call it alcoholism because we eat too many skittles.
He showed me a picture of his baby hamsters and I called them "Mammal McNuggets"
its 2pm. u awake yet?
ill text u back later. still peeling fingernail polish off my face.
On Wednesday I'm putting wine in a water bottle and crashing Margaret thatchers funeral
About to go make a man out of a 24 year old boy
As I shove my ninth taquito of the day into my mouth...
Picking our battles
I was just tongue fucked into oblivion.
we played his NES Classic. Turns out there is a warp zone to my vagina.
Well the good news of being walked in on, my mom says your tits are pretty. Then she added that hers were like that once. Fml
i havent showered for 4 days and i just made my dog smell my arm pit. also, im stoned.
Randomize
