all he gave me for my birthday was sperm
at least its a homemade gift
Just saw a man in a wheel chair using his feet to push himself backwards through a crosswalk... good morning Atlanta
I'm drinking reisling in a paper cup by myself in the garage.
I just had teddy grams, ritz crackers, and twizzlers for dinner. Hello, end of the semester.
So i guess my mom went into the kitchen and asked me why i was making mac and cheese at 4 in the morning and apparently i yelled at her to "get the fuck back bitch you don't know my life"
there is way too much butter on my body for this to be okay
Our halfway to Halloween party needs to never happen again. There were waaayy too many wasted cartoon characters passed out in my living room this morning...
Its funny that cleaning up pieces of water balloons and shot glasses every morning is becoming a routine
so... the fat chick just walked over, shook my hand, then introduced herself as "versatile". shoot me now.
Just say you're the husband at the front desk to get in. She's in room 15 at the ER.
what? who is this?
Do you think if I tell the hot Santa at work that I want a sugar daddy for Christmas that he'll get the hint?
There is a moment when you wake up with a butt plug in when you question your choices in life.
There is also a moment when you wake up in a kiddie pool of jello cubes where you question what the fuck you did last night. Are you still in the attic or did you go home.
I just threw up on the way to class. Legit, on the sidewalk by psych building.
THAT WAS YOU? Psych prof just pointed out the window and said "that kids, is why you don't pregame before class"
I'm either hallucinating or there is a dying cat outside my apartment....
We smell like vodka and hangover
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