I'm sitting next to this guy at the bar. I wrote him a little song in my head it goes "there is no fucking chance you're getting in my pants" gonna sing it to him after he buys me another drink.
i tried to hook up with a mom and then her husband came with num chucks
So he saw that playlist i made with his name as the title. i think he's creeped out that I have 106 songs that remind me of him
just because she threw up on my junk doesnt mean i dont like asians anymore
You need to get over here. I think the drunks are about to sacrifice a chicken to the beer gods. Or a freshman. Stay tuned.
I told you in the isle if you get the one that vibrates that I masturbating with it. Your fault.
Bullshit. You owe me a toothbrush.
When God was sprinkling self control to everybody, he ran out and was like ehhhh she'll make it!
Yeah, but I think it would be a little awkward to explain to Mom that the girl I brought for lunch is not my girlfriend but just a fuck buddy who I met after she hit and totaled my car last month.
There's a girl passed out on the sidewalk at the parade. Its not even 10am. She gave candy to children saying it was ketchup. Still think I have a problem?
1. Why did we have the team Chirstmas party in November 2. Why didn't anyone tell me the coaches were invited 3. Why did coach get the giant vibrator I brought
Also my face is like def lowkey made of silly putty
Had an orgasm and got a charley horse at the same time. It was a multi-purpose scream.
You just want me for my pizza coupons and my penis.
She's sent me the same nudes using the same gestures and positions... It's like she has a template for her sluty-ness
I've seen too many naked penises for this to be a normal Monday morning
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