Then you got really excited when I upgraded you from puke bowl to puke bucket.
A lady just asked me if you "seat yourselves" here at qdoba. I told her yea and she has been sitting at a table waiting for someone to take her order for 25 mins.
I'm at McDonalds and when I walked up to the register the guy said "I'm so sorry." Before I said a word. That's how bad my hangover is.
you were cooking a hot pocket with a grill lighter what did you want me to do
Annabeth just got on the bar and slurred something about how she was worried that when she started dating you your penis wouldnt fit. You are one lucky bastard my friend.
My mom sucked on that joint like a nipple and she was a fucking newborn
There is nothing wrong with me introducing you as elephant dick. Nothing.
Now I have to set an alarm for less than 6 hours from now to wake her up, get her showered and get her to her first day of tutoring a kid from her church. WTF is my life?
Apparently we stole a dog last night. I woke up and it was just staring at me. But we fed it left over KFC for breakfast so it's cool.
How the fuck did we end up at a strip club last night.. We started the night playing bingo at a church
Is it rude to say "I hate you because you live inside Hillary Clinton's asshole"?
Made out with sailor moon tonight. Childhood dreams do come true.
let me just take this time to thank you again for buying pudding.
Oh btw, ur tongue should count as a second cock it's that good
I WANNA... wait, will you kinkshame me?
Nah.
I WANNA KNOW WHAT HE SMELLS LIKE
Randomize
