Also, i'm pretty sure i've had my birth control pill stuck in my throat since like...two pm. So i'll be practicing safe oral sex tonight.
My phone has seen less use in the last three days than Tom Brady's condoms.
she just gave her compliments to the chief, at dennys
no i decided against it. savin my coke binge for finals week.
I'm spooning a three legged dog right now. Started drinking whiskey with Breakfast. Best part about being biracial is Irish cousins. Dog Pic Attahed
You grabbed her hand and started jacking her finger off. She was horrified.
Did it finish?
And I swear to god I'll divorce you if you so much as say a single sentence in Yoda talk in our bedroom. I may be a nerd but that's just fucking creepy
I'm sports announcer narrating myself making a sandwich. Your weed wins.
What happens at the gay bar stays at the gay bar. Except that I sold my panties for $100. People should know that.
It was so cute that he apologized for getting cum on my couch. If he realized how many guys had cum on that couch in the past year, he wouldn't have touched my vagina with a 10-ft pole.
Drunk and alone at a magic show is what my life has become without you
Then, she put flavored warming oil on my dick and was amazed when something she bought FROM SPENCER'S almost burned my dick off.
Halloween is the end of the singles holidays they don't start again until st. Patrick's day we better get wifed up or it's going to be a long winter lol
Also, being stuck with my family all week has made it very clear that I need to be drunk and I need to be fucked pronto
I think I just scared the sex out of my booty call. He saw me at the grocery store using one of those "future mother" parking spots right next to the handicap ones. He just made eye contact and drove off. I regret my laziness.
Randomize
