We just saw a waitress walk by with a tray of bacardi and whipped cream.
Whoever ordered that deserves a pat on the back and the "classiest customer" award
I just woke up. In the port-o-potty next to our tailgate. an hour after the game started. explain.
Mother nature decided I wasn't going to be a whore today. Fuck her.
I just worked out and used handles of vodka as weights. Whoever said alcoholism is detrimental to you health obviously has no fucking idea.
guy at the corner shop gets out a bottle of tequilla and a pack of malboro light whenever he sees me through the door. makes me feel loved and cared for
just threw up on my speech test, so much for a great semester
Okay do all 29 year olds have erectile dysfunction or just the two I've slept with?
Woke up fully clothed in bed sleeping on my purse.....we're back!!!
My mom just covered me while I peed in the street. I love her. i also love parents weekend.
So guess who got away with telling their girlfriend she's insane multiple times in a Valentine's day card. Yup, this guy.
The fact that I can sew my leggings while intoxicated proves I'm a functioning alcoholic
He is getting no nudes from me. I don't even care if I'm losing his legal advice.
So it's my mom's birthday and I wanted to be super cheap and just walk up to her and say "I got you the greatest gift ever, mom! I'm actually sober right now!".
He pulled out a Plan B pill and handed it to me as I left like it was a party favor. God Bless America.
She called and said she was waiting for me naked. I got there and she was in ratty sweats, sitting in Nick's lap, with divorce papers. Needless to say my night was shitty.
Randomize
