I am not drunk. I will recite the pledge.
I don't want you to recite the pledge!
Pledge alligien to america to united states of america
did you ever find your cell phone? and your dignity?
I woke up covered in BBQ sauce. My hand had "you win" written on it. Do I celebrate?
my dad told me i had to spend my money wisely..so i spent the money he gave me for a desk chair on weed. ill be so high i wont even notice its gone
i came home at 4 a.m. and made a dozen eggs and three lbs. of bacon. my mom woke up and the only thing she was pissed about was that i used the whole carton of eggs, but then she sat down and ate with me
The guy in 209 is masturbating with the door cracked again
I remember seeing LSAT prep books and thinking "Whose room is this? I should be hooking up with them instead."
there's no excuse to just assume your pants won't be coming off for some reason or another. that's just irresponsible
Party Liz is going to have to have her wings clipped until someone gets me some baby reins to wear
I threw a hotdog at the security guard and called the bartender "goodlooking for a 35 year old who was rode hard and put away wet"... I would have kicked me out too
Whoever roofied me last night owes me a new pair of white jeans
My bar tender texts me around 5ish and ask what I feel like, so it's ready for me when I get home. All star service.
Dude. You are the LAST person that should live above a bar.
Whatever. I'll take my new fine ass dick sucking nails elsewhere.
At least you didn't get an invite in the mail to your fuck buddy's baby shower like I just did. My life is a sitcom
Got so drunk I broke my sink in half. Not. Lying.
Randomize
