I'll have you know...trying to masturbate while a song about jesus is stuck in your head is next to impossible
if there werent so many compromising pictures of me in the hands of so many liberal friends, id consider going into politics
His texts read Like a 15 year olds diary.
It's sad really how 5 am brings with it a distinction from drunken to pathetic.
this girl is like a spa retreat for my dick
I'm drinking beergaritas with a dog who is high and a baby
your completely serious
It'll just be like "PENIS HERE". In case you get lost.
Seriously, you can't give someone's wife an orgasm on the dance floor of a gay nightclub and then hang out with her husband the following week
I love you. We're gonna celebrate your 21st by putting people in duct tape bikinis and pushing them down tequila slip and slides
Sorry about flashing you in front of your mom.
rollerskate sex sounded like a good idea...
If you had a dick, I would hope it falls off and comes back to haunt you while fucking your ears at night. But you don't. But if you did, that's how mad I am at you
They don't have a Valentines Day card for the married guy I'm sleeping with. It can't use the words, love, soulmate, you're the only one for me...and obviously it can't be anything related to spending the day together because that's not happening.
Is it rude to send him a, "happy birthday, I hope you finally get an STD" text?
I just revenge puked in his shoes. This is gonna be a fun night :)
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