Richard, I just read on your Twitter account that you have enjoyed a, "Much needed post birthday smoothie..."...A bit revealing, no?
i just woke up with two martini umbrellas taped to my nipples... idk how they got there
SO stoned. Sitting in just a thong in front of a fan. NO work for a WEEK! Life is good :)
Gross thing of the day...i got cum in my new boots
halfway through eating me out he goes 'oh that reminds me i have to buy fish for good friday'
You expect me to find someone in two days who I feel comfortable enough with to ask them to get drunk and go play in foam with me?
so the x-ray technician didnt buy my story of falling off a curb. she said a fall of that height couldnt snap the bone that way. bitch called me a drunken idiot too. if she wasnt so hot i'd be angry
I've woke up in his bed 4 out of the past 6 mornings. I feel like this might be the time to learn more about him then his first name and what kind of beer he drinks.
I just heard a 350 lb guy with a stutter describe getting blood in his eye as he was shanking his cellmate and, more generally, how to survive as a white guy in jail.\n\nYou should really consider going to some AA meetings
When we were eating pie last night, I dropped some, and not only did you not judge me for far surpassing the 5 second rule, you let me use your foot to sock mop with. You're a good friend.
Don't they also have a lot of serious head injuries?
I didn't say I wanted to marry one of them. Or that I want one to perform surgery on me. I just want to have hot, dirty, MMA style sex.
He let me keep my Michael Jordan Bulls jersey on during sex.
Let's have sex in an apple orchard
For breaking and entering. I think neighbor dan cared more about me puking in his backseat than the surprise of me waking up there
My vagina measures dicks. It's accurate to the half inch.
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