well that one time I was being a total idiot trying to see how much I could drink. turns out 22 shots is too much. surprise surprise! ambulance party!
I just accidently deleted 60 gigs of porn from my external hard drive. Thats over 300 pornos! I think im gonna cry.
Im surprised that you are even able to text me right now.
The karaoke bar doesnt have electric avenue. Ill just have to pick another song and sing the lyrics to electric avenue
Sorry for punching you in the face last night. I should have known the boxing gloves were a bad idea from the start.
Well Im currently dressed up as batman raiding frat houses for booze
When his Irish accent comes out my uterus hums. Or some productive organ down there, I'm not sure of the logistics
I cannot take someone's straight and gay virginity in one threesome. It's just too much responsibility.
I feel like I just rode a horse, did a million jumping jacks, ran a marathon and need a carton on cigarettes. best sex hands down... EVER
He will. He has no choice. What's he gonna do? Find a better fuck buddy? We both know that's not possible. I'm the ideal friend with benefit. Minus snoring and uneven tits.
Every time I see him I get horny. I can't help it!
Just stop. You're making other wives look bad. We are all starting to hate you.
the bad thing about being great at twerking is that I'm powerless to stop myself from doing it when I'm drunk and in public.
Why are there so many fucking Lambchop puppets hidden around my house?!
Just witnessed some guy throw his fake eye at his dad's face. Actually, he whipped it at him.
Love that I’m sending my uber driver a thank you message for taking me home via mcdonalds tonight before I’m messaging my date from tonight! Lol
I am confused/concerned about the circumstances that led to your consumption of 3 beta fish last night.
Randomize