sunday morning discovery: something purple, smelly, and sticky my hair. any suggestions?
I'm at the laundry mat. This guy is here showing me his ankle monitor. The weird ones always find me.
So the weirdest part of it all was he whispered in my ear "can i eat you out on your tredmill?" I dont find him attractive at all anymore
she named each of the players on the last ten madden covers in order and then shotgunned 2 beers...if she doesnt have a penis im in love
Hahaha I asked him about her bjs and he said "I would not wish that on anyone"
No clues in my phone. Only dialed call: my own social security number. And that was before 10:00pm.
Yea i think drunk-me kept all my bar receipts, just to throw it in sober-me's face.
Dude... She just sent me a story of how she wants to fuck me on a boat and call me her captain.. Well ahoy mateys, lets set sail
can we just punch him in the dick and call it a victory for feminism
IM NOT TALKING TO YOU UNTIL YOU MAKE A PROCLAMATION YOU LOVE ME MORE THAN TACOS
she definitely didn't appreciate it when you justified bringing her home by yelling to me "fat bitches need love too"
Come help me clean and have sexual intercourse with me
Bring breadsticks
I just woke up to my family in the living room watching our security camera tape of me last night talking to a stop sign in our backyard... How the fuck did I get that in the yard?
Remember that pair of super cute shorts I pooped in? I miss those 😔
He is 6'5, went to a Christian school and he's a violinist....I'm going to fuck the jesus right out of him.
Randomize
