Now it won't go down.
You've got a gift.
I would say the hottest chick there looked like Susan Boyle and the ugliest like Bea Arthur
Nice use of current day folklore
I feel like your standards for women is like rent-a-centers standards for credit.
so last night my mother drunkenly told me that maybe the reason why I want to be a vet was because I was conceived doggy style.
He told me he had more lines than a plaid shirt
hah yeah. there was a kid puking in the bathroom and this idiot brings in a potted plant and was like "yeah he's like, not getting enough oxygen"
I pulled down his boxers and a 20 dollar bill fell out. I'm telling you, the blowjob fairy EXISTS
You totally left a blue butt print on our banister
Well I think we can all agree that that's better than then bowl of puke I left last time.
sorry about having a shotput competition with your microwave, seemed like a good idea at the time
I found them. Thank God. Now I'm gonna have to take a Xanax for the panic attack I almost had trying to find my Xanax.
I was just thinking about our drunk conversation about having sex with elephants the other night. Love you bud. Stay strong.
You pretended to be Borat in that weird slingshot bathing suit and then proceeded to send another dick pic/nude selfie and said you weren't naked because you were wearing a hat.
Yeah well, last time I said I wasn't having a big night I was being strangled in somebody's spare bed
Love that I’m sending my uber driver a thank you message for taking me home via mcdonalds tonight before I’m messaging my date from tonight! Lol
And on the 323rd day without sex, God finally said let there be light...or love?
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