he made me salute his american flag boxers before i took them off
You keep asking me questions like I have this magical thing called a memory
i'm gonna start putting 34DD under other qualifications on my bartender applications and see if that helps
Exactly how many bongs can i have before my parents figure out they really aren't vases
Who has a video camera? i want to look back on this one day and say OH thats why i spent 2 years in jail
He woke up licked his hand and put it on my vag and went back to sleep. This is twice this week and its only wednesday
my resolution for 2011 is to fuck him whenever he wants it. this year I'm going above and beyond the call of booty.
My neighbor just watched me eat a granola bar without pants, this is a whole new level of unemployed
Remember me drinking the vodka from in between your legs?
He makes this seasoned whore feel like a novice. I've met the one.
There is a man playing a trumpet at this brunch and I hate life. Too hungover for this. Send help ASAP.
Our first order of business as new roommates was to test the sex acoustics of our rooms. I need a new box spring.
The only monogamous relationship I can keep is with my eyebrow lady...
A stoners worse nightmare? Well packaged snacks. Just took me 5 mins to get a cinnamon roll out of the package. And another 3 mins to properly type this text
Okay, I just reached peak living alone
I ate a piece of chocolate cake while jerking off
Randomize
