i found the vodka. it was hiding in the orange juice.
Last night I fell down in the street (I think in someone's vomit), cut my knee up, lost my moms necklace and my license, and had to walk back to the hotel.
I would pay so much money for a video of you fucking a sheep
The handjob she gave me was better than the best blowjob I've ever gotten.. Just imagine the possibilities.
Woke up to the first three complete chapters of my new novel titled "If My Dick Could Talk" waiting for me on my laptop
He showed up 3 hours late wearing roller skates and acted like nothing was wrong with that.
they had to take the Corona's out of the fish tank because they wouldn't fit with the mini replica of the roman coliseum in there. so we drank the Corona's. does beer have an expiry date?
You passed out with your mouth on the faucet, straddling the keg, with your arms wrapped around it
Oh yeah. I pretty much fucked the universes brains out lastnight. It was glorious.
Being in the club with your moms drunk friends > having a healthy relationship with your mom
Our prom king just sent me a dick pic. I know it's 10 years later but I feel like I've finally made it.
Have you forgotten that this whole sexy cop role play started with a comment about my mom?
you found yr lighter in yr cleavage and said so that's where you've been all my life
Apparently I showed all your grooms men my vagina to prove I did not have underwear on. Awesome
My vagina likes him more than I do, but I’m going to follow her lead and see what happens
Randomize
