Woke up in a pool of alcohol sweat. Probably could wring out my sheets and make a decent cocktail.
I feel like one of those toads that you lick to get high or find a prince.... cept when you lick me you find a drunk whore.
On my way home from Vegas. Just realized my pants are inside out
His housemate was playing a sad violin solo for me on my way out. God I hate musicians.
Somebody left a mini pitcher in the bathroom. Think its safe?
Right, because I totally see myself driving all the way down there to fuck his world famous penis.
Looking forward to meeting the person naked and passed out at my kitchen table.
You came home with a traffic cone and said, "this is my birthday condom."
We were all in the pool and he showed up with a pitcher of margarita. Everyone swam over to him. He poured it directly into our mouths like we were a Sea World act.
I feel like a pet sloth would complement my lifestyle.
IN THE MIDDLE OF HOOKING UP, HE IS CALLED AWAY ON AN "EMERGENCY". FUCK THAT, MATT'S CAR IS NOT AS URGENT AS MY THIRST.
How hard is it to grasp the concept of 'I lost an impromptu saber bout and so I have to make a macaroni map of Soviet Russi, including Kazicstan'!?
I am praying to every god I can that he drank so much that he won't even remember me
Isis wins if we don't have the loudest, kinkiest sex in every part of my house tomorrow
I was supposed to go on a date tonight but I cancelled because I found out the Lizzie McGuire movie is on Netflix.
im on a boat
How did you get this number?
Randomize
