I can't make any promises. I've tried my best to stay celibate. But if a guys on top of me, Im gonna tell him to stick it in.
I don't know what's more sad having a rewards account at a liquor store or already racking up 273 dollar points since january
So, remember how that one doctor said it was 1 in a million that I'd get pregnant...
Yeeah thank god
Well..welcome to parenting Mr. one in a million.
I vote intervention dinner around 6, make up movie around 7:30ish, then apology drinks all night. Then hangover waffle house in the morning.
Just got booked to do a bachelorette party for a polygamist wedding. And notice I only text you to rub things in your face and show you my life shits on yours. Daily.
When I sent you a text telling you to splash water on your face, you texted me back with 'Iwehre N qyull.'
I fake pass out to avoid hookups sometimes. Last night I fake slept on my bathroom floor for like 2 hours before the guy left.
He's gonna be like you slept with too many of my friends and you're being voted off the island haha
Turns out he's actually a she. Might keep dating her just to see Mom's reaction.
I mean seriously, she can have his dick anytime and im over here salivating like a thirsty bitch.
Fortunatly we found him, he was on my roof. Unfortunatly, we can't say the same for his pants. Still looking. BRB.
We will just distract him with tacos and porn.
And you hate the library
Yea but I love drugs and my grades
He's making me do the dishes for the next month and half because I shit in the bath tub...
Can you come over?
Sex??
Sure but there’s also a squirrel in my garage I need you to take care of.
Randomize
