Bro, I met the coolest hottest chick tonight and she has the hottest friends.
Where are you?
Strip Club
I'm watching ellen!
just because im gay does not mean you need to notify me every time you watch the ellen degeneres show
Your last words were "i'm gonna motorboat the bartender." then you commenced with an attempted motorboat
I miss the good ol' days when we would yell at strangers from your balcony while wearing our mexican ponchos in the middle of the day.
what ever happened to our old dealer?
I feel like I've been drunk all of June. And I am in NO WAY ashamed about it.
Remind me never to take that much Vicodin ever again. I laid in bed measuring my heart rate for an hour and a half because I was afraid it would stop.
I fell asleep masterbating while watching family guy... This is what happens when girl's night gets canceled
Don't be surprised if I hand out mini dildos on Halloween
Your cock has been in the back of my throat. Co-worker is no longer a sufficient title. Fix that shit ASAP
the quiet that you are hearing is a silent suggestion that you should go fuck yourself
Nooo. I was entirely happy pretending that my vagina only existed for peeing and releasing Satan's waterfall.
So the 25yr old smokeshow I fucked last night said "Prepare to be disappointed" as he put the condom on. I was. 40 is bullshit.
I just want to hook up with Ed Sheeran. Why does it have to be so difficult?
You ate my ass why wouldn't I remember you
If I look at him, he starts sobbing. Please come get him; he's scaring the cats.
Randomize
