hey babe thanks for tonight, it was fun.
to be honest, i wanna fuck your friend.
I think she just tried to waterboard me with her vagina.
I just saw a like a 30 person deep walk of shame... it was like the million man march but with dorm chicks
she walked in on me snorting my prozac. there was no way to convince her i was doing a good thing.
the last thing i remember saying is "hope you like body hair"
oh and i'm sorry i sold you for three cigarettes last night
please come home... she's showing me videos of spanish parrots and is telling me about her dead cousin...
You then proceeded to tell me how good of a cook you were and put raw cookie dough in the champagne.
I'm drinking wine from the cap of my laundry detergent container, wearing my bed sheet as a cape. How do you think I'm taking it?
I plan on having so much gay sex in our house while you gone.
You chucked an empty vodka bottle against the wall and yelled "Everyone calm the fuck down, it's just the cops." After 10 seconds of silence I looked over and saw you pissing their fountain.
dude you literally had like 30 screwdrivers, i thought you were gonna die
that explains why my vomit smells like it came from florida
But you can't tell me I give the best blow jobs and then not break up with your girlfriend who has fucking TMJ! Come on!
Every time I start to trust vodka, it does this to me.
I'm drinking apple juice and champagne while watching crossroads..like the classy bitch that i am.
Randomize
