Gettin pulled over, can you watch my dog and pay the bils for a while?
so apparently we got drunk enough at the reception to rip the center pieces apart and use the flower vases as "fancy glasses"
I just saw a Kleenex commercial and thought about last night. I'm sorry about your hair.
I like one night stands...theyre like crushes for big kids
don't worry, your friend will b fine, they treat virgins nicely around here
just once i'd like the "right thing" and the "topless thing" to be the SAME THING
all you kept saying from the spare room was "can you bring me a puke bowl...and the cat"
Is it too much to ask that he stop calling me 'titty fuck' in public?
He's a navy seal. He can stick it anywhere he wants.
My vag has a bald spot. That is so middle aged. Is this my midlife crisis?
A conundrum I think only you would understand: how to classily post "I need a ride to the liquor store" on one's Facebook wall?
I don't know what you're doing this morning, but obtaining Plan B is my number-one priority.
That was just an endearing nickname I called you before. I'm not gonna call you a filthy slut now that you are one, I don't want to hurt your feelings.
This is the third time this month a guy I’m not dating has dumped me. How is this even possible???
THERE ARE LEGITLY 4 SEPARATE BITE MARKS ON MY DICK. WHAT. THE. FUCK.
Legitimately*
Go fuck yourself
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