Leave Me Alone
At least least me cry on your voice mail
Taking my final with a coffee mug full of keystone... best semester ever.
you asked the janitor if you could ride his floor cleaner.
You were Q-tipping mashed potatoes out of your ear.
Just had to throw up on the floor of my car during traffic on the way to work. Car next to me saw both times. Found the downside to having a job right after graduation.
Oh yes there is. Now I'm the sad one. Please organize my life. And I will demoralize yours.
I would really just like to get laid somewhere that's not on a bathroom floor at this point in my life
Sad fact: I'm doing that thing where I'm bored so I give myself Princess Leia hair and drink alcohol.
How did work go after you told them you were in jail?
Great they tried to bail me out.
Yeah we fucked. I ran into her the next day, I had to pick up the girl scout cookies I ordered from her boyfriends kids.
drinks after work?
that question mark offends me.
After my shift today I'm going on a bender. Not saying this so you'll stop me, just a heads up to invest in Tylenol, Gatorade, and Jack
I'm pretty sure the rest of my evening will consist of masturbating, drinking tequila and watching children's movies.
I don't want to spend an inordinate amount of time with you, I want to have sex with you. Duhhhhhh.
I texted him: “Come over for the Super Bowl. I promise lots of scoring.”
My divorce is turning into a porn script
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