I'm going to write a book about John. It's going to be called big dreams, little dick
i cant cry in cvs. not again.
I woke up to my dog puking on my bed. Looks like it was a successful night for us all.
Is it too forward to say "stop being a good friend and start being a good fuck buddy"
I threw up in a mitten on my drive home. Wow.
you kept saying "i will not *breathe* regret this *breathe* in the morning *breathe* i just gotta remember *breathe* to BREATHE"
We're going to work out tomorrow I guess but it usually consists of doing weights for 10 minutes, then saying fuck cardio and going to Taco Tuesday
See! Theres potential!
Oh yeah. All good relationships start with a threesome.
I knew full well that at some point during the night my penis would be out with this costume choice
Let's stay in this weekend and play drinking games to the Winter Olympics.
As long as we can drink anytime we see a stray dog, mafia looking Russian or double toilet.
I forgot my backup drink is supposed to be pedialyte and vodka. Add in the shit I'm losing as I drink. Win-Win right?
I woke up with a dread of barbecue sauce in my hair. Drunk munchies makes me a disgusting person.
Every time we have sex, I feel his dick ramming my soul into submission. Problem is..... I LIKE THAT SHIT!
I’m home.
I’m aware. I just dropped you off.
My penis is lonely
So is my ring finger
Randomize
