We got a party bus for the nite. I found out the hard way why stripper poles are meant for girls.
I woke up this morning to my phone notebook open and written was "reasons why I'm a whore in chronological order" then it listed everybody I've had sex with in the past five months.
My relaxing drive may end up as a surprise bootycall in Pittsburgh. Don't try to stop me.
do you remember yelling at the waitress that you were a power bottom?
He changed his profile picture to him as a baby. Definitely a turn off. This will help in my "don't-be-a-slut-endeavors"
Because I can't get laid, I'm day-drinking and hunting squirrels in the backyard. You can take the girl out of Montana...
I feel as though sleeping all day due to the effects of prescription painkillers paid for by union insurance made this the most American day ever for me
Is the booze for tonight or the apocalypse?
Both. Pregaming the zombie party and hurricane sustenance.
I woke up to a full mcdonalds meal being shoved in my face. Mom mustve noticed the empty tequila bottle. I love family.
Okay who let me pass out in a recliner cuddling a pitbull and a cardboard cutout of Orlando Bloom
Playing Cards Against Humanity with my relatives at Christmas while I'm stoned was a bad idea...
How many nights in 2015 can we have no one get injured, run away crying, or get into a brawl?
A stripper choked me last night. Then I choked her. Now we're going on a date this Saturday.
anything below 65° is too cold to be naked on a roof
Stop trying to mix nacho cheese and sex. Guys don’t want hot cheese near their junk. Pick a better fetish
Randomize
