she gave me a schnouzer then wanted to kiss while we were having sex...i had to puppy slap her nose. pick me up out front.
I think I won the penis lottery.
The solution to mudbutt is never ever Clorox wipes. It stings soooooooo bad.
You know what sound is wonderful for a hangover? Listening to the horns from the South Africans at the world cup
Blonde 1 is sitting on the floor crying and blonde 2 is asleep with her face in the toilet. This isn't what I had in mind when they asked me back
I just got released from jail. still in my kilt. bring pants damnit. they won't understand.
pants will make it better? really?
i wish you were under my bed. you sexy russian fur trapper.
please. text the right number. youve been sending me these all night.
he kept saying that we were in ian's fun time place and then continued to act like a dinosaur.
thanks for not telling him i named my trumpet after his dick
I just want to have beer shits in my own bathroom. Is that too much to ask for?
He called me baby cakes during sex... Can U not
On another note; I'm three days away from being 1/12th of my way from not having sex for a year. I need to get laid.
I swear to fucking god if he takes away netflix I will have no problem sending his gf our sex videos
I had to explain to the doctor why I'm peeing blood. He still didn't believe a girl would have that much sex... You could feel the judgement forming in the room when I went into the details...
Damn, well a girls gotta get laid too
He calculated like a serious conversion in his head the other day and got a crazy number and I was like damn that’s hot please proceed to take your clothes off.
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